The Exceptional Beast...

is square in the roundabout
lolls its head
and yet never shakes it
remembers to brush
up against its neighbors
sighs contentedly when petted
is quick-witted and practices
exceptional
slight-of-hand
maintains an aura
of silk, cold silk
in June
makes monkeys of the competition
needs sugar lumps on a daily basis
fashions its fur stylishly
never undoes its gear for anyone
makes appointments
keeps some of them
ruminates
can keep up a trot for hours
moves at the speed of light
rejoices
cries
sleeps each night on an empty pillow
polishes its own horn
always knows what day it is
knows that solitude is necessary
even a necessary evil
takes notes on good fiction
burns them

is 4 foot 12 inches
can deck a grown man
has tubes in its nose
relays information via semaphores
never repeats secrets
installs software
removes kinks with massage
manages to pull a 3.8 GPA
has excellent credit rating
has met the Prime Minister
never doubts its heritage
plays harmonica
knows braille
makes friends easily
shares its toys with other children
gives “donkey” rides for free
does construction of all types
votes Democratic
owns a pair of thigh high boots
speaks softly but carries a big stick
of gum

answers most geographic queries
correctly
handles tax and IRS forms properly
blows nose quietly
can shoot a rifle or .38 Magnum
is never ambushed
or surprised by anything
predicts the horrific and
the beautiful Future
depends on the horoscope
kicks assailants in teeth
burns bridges
tailgates jerks
visits the pet store
buys lizards
whinnies to perfection
determines employees’ salaries
states the truth even when unpopular
dodges cheap shots
makes enemies easily
maintains a dignified presence
wears black
except in Summer
has cavities filled semi-annually
marshals reserves against self-doubt
trusts no one
made the “honors” club
rejects junk mail
plays Mah jong
trounces opponents
negotiates physical spaces
shows decided preferences for ginger

memorizes and quotes large portions of Shakespeare
doesn’t snore
restlessly moves in case someone is near
feeds three meals a day
corners on a dime
shops thriftily
consumes only what is needed
never takes flight in front of children
grabs only during organized sports
dreams about driving and swimming
at the same time
makes a point of bathing
in public
doesn’t smoke a cigarette
in bed
rows its boat down the stream
merrily
has a vivid imagination
has a miasmic personality
rejects liver donations
wounds easily but never quits
has a watch tower
with an elevator

stunts its growth with coffee
rewinds certain songs over and over
reflects on the kindness of strangers
remembers the past with equilibrium
stays on top of the bills
while sleeping
does not know what “cud” is
would never chew it
reorganizes the file cabinet before bedtime
watched a little daytime television
fell asleep momentarily during Jeopardy
aspires to be an even more exceptional beast